By Jane Firbank How often have you wanted to change someones behaviour ... and found yourself nagging, pleading, shouting, complaining or just plain giving up, because nothing you do seems to work?
And if its a relationship youd like to improve ... how often have you heard people say, oh, thats not possible unless you BOTH want to change? Well, tell that to the advertising industry ... or your childs schoolteachers! Of course you can change peoples behaviour ... whether they want to change or not, and whether they know it, or not. After all, every dealing you have with someone influences to some extent how they feel about you and how theyre likely to behave with you next time they see you. So, you may just as well bring the process under some conscious control ... and heres how.
The first rule for changing the way someone behaves is blindingly obvious -- yet its easy to get so stressed you just dont see it. If whatever youre doing isnt working, then -- however reasonable, sensible, justified it may be -- stop doing it! Do something else. As they say, if you go on doing what you have been doing, then youll go on getting what you have been getting!
Im reminded of Brenda. Her problem was her almost-teen daughter. The music practice she wouldnt do. The room she wouldnt tidy. The house resounded to furious slanging matches, endless nagging -- all futile, except to make the daughter feel attacked and unloved, and the mother feel helpless, frustrated ... and unloved.
Stopping fighting, letting the room and the music take care of themselves, was the essential first step towards rebuilding a mother-daughter relationship which both could enjoy and value ... and in which change could take place.
Once youve stopped doing the wrong things, the right ways to create more productive, pleasant and life-enhancing relationships with the people in your life are really so simple.
* Reward. First, find some effective rewards. Whether its a smile or a compliment, a pay rise, a night out, a hug or a chocolate, rewards are things which make the person feel good -- not necessarily what you think they should want. The wrong reward could turn someone off. Say you praise someone in public, and that embarrasses them. Or your compliments a backhander, with blame for the fact they didnt do it before, and pointing out that they are now being good, under your control ... we all know those compliments, and resent them! They are certainly not rewarding.
Of course, you may ask, 'Why on earth should I reward someone for just doing what they should?' Forget shoulds and oughts. Its simple. You reward them because you want them to do it again.
* Be rewarding most of the time, then some of the time, then just occasionally. If youre too obviously rewarding, every single time, people may well suspect they are being manipulated! Plus, as soon as you stop rewarding every time, they may rather quickly stop doing what you want. Imagine, your new husband brings you flowers every weekend without fail. Then, one week, he misses. Has he fallen out of love? Met another woman? Whereas, if he just sometimes, at unpredictable intervals, turned up with roses, youd feel great when he did but he could miss out for a long time before you began to feel unappreciated.
* Having found some appropriate rewards, you apply them as quickly as possible whenever the behaviour moves, even a little bit, in the direction you want. You stay calm and pleasant but you dont give attention to what you dont want.
One of my patients found her mothers almost daily telephone calls, guilt-provoking and destructively critical, left her really shaken. A simple strategy made a huge difference. When her mother said anything neutral or pleasant, Julie would engage in the conversation and sound interested. As her mother started on Julies faults, or tried to settle down to an hours moan ... Julie sounded bored. If her mother went on regardless, Julie heard the doorbell or remembered an appointment after about a minute.
If youve seen those programmes where parents are taught how to deal with screaming toddlers, youll recognise this as the Little Angels or Nanny 911 technique of behaviour shaping. Rewarding the good, ignoring the bad, and time out -- ending the phone call -- if the bad continues. It works just as well with adults. It gently moved Julies mother towards talking more appropriately to her daughter and also helped Julie feel in charge. Her buttons were no longer being uncontrollably pushed. Instead of being immersed in the situation, she gained a feeling of distance and control. And ... just as those screaming toddlers look much happier once calm control is achieved ... so Julies mother also benefited as, for the first time, they began to achieve some pleasant and mutually rewarding phone chats. So dont feel bad about using these techniques!
* To stop behaviour you dont want, remember, if what someone does isnt noticed, appreciated, or rewarded, theyre likely to stop doing it. But if its the only way they have to get attention ... then ignoring it will just make them up the stakes. There MUST be an alternative, acceptable way to get attention and reward, which, after all, we all need. Chloes husband went in for days of silent sulking. I suggested that she simply live her own life when he sulked, instead of frantically coaxing him to say what was wrong and trying desperately to please him and get him to respond to her. But withdrawing attention when he sulked was only half the answer -- she also had to give more warmth, sharing, appreciation and fun when he wasnt sulking.
Knowing you have powerful means for improving your relationships helps you feel calmer and more on top of things, less stressed so that your own natural warmth and personality can come out. Which in itself does wonders for your relationships ... and your life. Jane Firbank's site, http://www.secretsofchange.com, has over 100 fascinating and helpful problem letter replies, plus scores of articles and book reviews.
Jane Firbank is a psychotherapist working from the new Human Givens approach to counselling. This unites cutting-edge psychological and brain research with the new insights of evolutionary psychology and the ancient insights of the traditional healing and spiritual disciplines. The Human Givens approach is powerfully and rapidly effective in helping people move on from depression, stress and anxiety, obsession, psychosis, relationship problems and addiction. Phobias, traumas and Post Traumatic Stress can often be removed in one or two sessions using the latest knowledge of how the brain works.
Jane Firbank, BSc (Psych), HG Dip, GHR, is in private practice in London, England where she also regularly writes and consults on psychological matters for the Press, TV and radio. Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jane_Firbank http://EzineArticles.com/?How-to-Change-People-...-Whether-They-Want-to-or-Not&id=131974 prescription for phentermine
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